Welcome to the time I wrote two stories in twelve hours.
This actually isn’t unheard of for me; ideas sometimes start flooding in for me all at once—something about unlatching the door to the Imagination Cupboard and seeing what’s been accumulating inside. What is unusual for me is having no other option but to write two stories in 12 hours.
When the pressure is on, suddenly that cupboard latch starts to feel more like a well-loved toothpaste tube that you’re fighting to squeeze the last amount out of.
This is the position I found myself in when I entered the final round of the NYC Midnight 250-Word Microfiction Challenge writing contest (contest results are currently pending).
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A word of advice: if there are signs outside of your dorm warning you about an emergency drill the next day, write it down so you will remember. And if you decide to take a nap, keep a change of clothes within easy reach of your bed.
As you may already suspect, I was sleeping when the emergency alarm went off today in my university dorm.
In retrospect, I guess it is pretty impressive that I managed to stumble over to my clothes, blink at myself in the mirror, locate my dorm room’s door, and stumble out into the hall...all in time to run into the cute boy I’ve been crushing on for the past three weeks.
Crush: "You look tired."
Me: "Grrrraaaaaggggh."
Encountering a gorgeous human while personally looking like a swamp creature that just woke up from an enchanted sleep is embarrassing, but I’ve had worse Wednesdays.
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My character sits in a limo across from a giant praying mantis.
Many of the “plibbles” covering my character’s body from head to toe—little purple tubes with suction on the ends—hold tasty chocolate treats, which the praying mantis eyes, hungrily.
I point accusingly at a small, quivering yellow mass on the limo seat next to us and say, “I don’t think Freddie is here for the right reasons.”
…I am playing “Space Bachelorette” with my friends, and my character just pulled a dirty trick.
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I grew up believing there was a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to write.
I learned that good writing meant nothing if you didn’t follow the rules, and every misstep you took would make your creations stand out like a sore thumb.
The adults in my life acted like this wasn’t a problem—like they had their own easy-to-reference list of rules printed on gilded paper and embossed with the secrets of the universe, nestled in their back pocket at all times. In contrast, I felt like my awareness of writing rules more closely resembled a used Kleenex that missed the trash can and lay deflated on the floor.
Even worse, writing rules seemed to change all the time, and trying to keep up with them felt like chasing an elusive ribbon floating in the wind.
I lived in fear of being “found out” as a fake writer—as a toddler trying to sit at the big kids table.
It wasn’t until 2016, when I attended an advanced creative writing program at the University of Oxford, that I finally learned to throw all the rules out the window.
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Can we all agree that time and gravity are extremely rude? I don’t recall signing a consent form to make parts of my body feel like they are laughing and pointing at me at all hours of the day.
The older I get, the more I relate to a nervous chihuahua: jittery, with decreased bladder control.
As someone who recently had a discussion with a friend about the pros and cons of buying a bread maker, suddenly finds the dads in Disney films hot, and now understands the appeal of naps, I can’t ignore the truth any longer: I’m an adult.
This revelation feels like being slapped in the face with a dueling glove, with no hope for retaliation.
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My favorite podcast also happens to be one of the largest and most popular in the world.
From its website: “With over 280 million podcast downloads, two sell-out world tours, an HBO comedy special, Hollywood fans including Lin-Manuel Miranda, Dame Emma Thompson, Dan Levy, Nicholas Hoult & Michael Sheen and rave reviews from the likes of Variety, The Guardian and Time Magazine, My Dad Wrote A Porno is quite simply ‘a cultural phenomenon' (The Sunday Times).”
Yup. You read that right. The podcast is called “My Dad Wrote a Porno,” and it’s exactly what it sounds like.
Jamie Morton’s father self-published a pornographic book on Amazon, titled Belinda Blinked 1: A modern story of sex, erotica and passion. How the sexiest sales girl in business earns her huge bonus by being the best at removing her high heels, and gave it to his son.
Instead of recoiling in horror, Jamie decided to read it out loud to his best friends James Cooper and Alice Levine, and the My Dad Wrote A Porno podcast was born.
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Don’t look at yourself in the mirror from a distance of less than 3 inches. You will be haunted by what you see.
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